In all honesty…….
In all honesty…….
It has been almost 6 months since I have written a blog. Chris and I go on every once and a while and it is so encouraging to see people from literally all over the world reading and subscribing to our blog. I hope that it has been helpful for those readers, or if anything just a good read. 😉 The reason I have not written anything in 6 months is simply because I felt like I had nothing to say. We have been battling and trying to push through quite a few obstacles, and haven’t fully grasped this “stay positive” thing and “chin up, it will get better” very well. We have had some very low points……and by that I mean, not having the ability to see past our circumstance, or to stand in an unwavering hope, or rest in a peace that passes understanding. I feel like I have failed so many times in so many areas. So how on earth can I write a blog to encourage those of you out there that read it, when I can’t even talk myself out of this black hole some days?
So I have been a little scared to admit it I suppose, that I don’t have it all together. I don’t have it all together! There I said it……. I worry too much about what people think about me, about my situation, about my choices…….I hate disappointing people, I don’t like to bring other people down, I hate complaining about our situation and circumstances…….SO……I didn’t want to say anything, BUT THEN Chris reminded me that we said we were gonna be honest and talk about the good, the bad, and the ugly.
If you have been following our blog, you will notice that we have been focusing on inner healing, self-awareness, spiritual growth…….. Sharing what God has done in our marriage after a year of separation, and the transformation in our lives together and individually. But I really wanted to share with you that we have finally moved into our own house again, that Chris got an amazing job, and that our health both physically and mentally is in tip top shape. But here is the reality……..which I am sure some of you can relate to all or parts of it. Chris, myself and the kids are still living with Chris’ mom and grandmother (I can’t even begin to tell you how grateful and indebted we are for them allowing us to live with them indefinitely), it is still a struggle for Chris to find work in the city we live in (one of the worst cities in Canada for unemployment right now), so we have no financial stability. Chris’ health was up in the air for the last 4 and a half months, due to melanoma being found on his arm. Finding a spot on his arm, having it removed, finding out that it was cancer, having to go to a cancer specialist, not knowing if it had spread or how deep it went, thankfully finding out it was a contained melanoma, then going in to have the rest removed, only to be told by the surgeon that she has to take out more than she thought originally, going deeper and wider, and sending that off for another biopsy to see if it was all removed. Waiting another week and a half for the results…….which by the way, she called and Chris was given a clean bill of health, they removed all the cancer in his arm, and a nice big chunk of skin as well! 😉 So you can well imagine, the state of our emotions were not solid, but quite the opposite actually. It has been a long three years, an emotional three years, a very hard three years. Many times we questioned God. Why? How long? When? What? Many times I still question God…….(I need that strong unfaltering hope and peace that people like Joyce Meyer or Bill Johnson talk about) I need to “get it” like they do, understand it the way they do, live it the way they do……but if I am honest, I have not mastered that yet. I do have good days…..and I do have bad days. BUT…..THIS IS WHAT I DO KNOW RIGHT NOW………our circumstances and situations haven’t changed, the material stuff “if you will”……. BUT we do have a roof over our heads, we have clothes, we can eat, we do have our health, our children are not lacking anything, we have a vehicle, we have some absolutely amazing friends, we have family that love us, we have never missed a bill payment, we do laugh, we do have fun……..
I am thankful and I am grateful and I am still holding on. God is preparing us for something, I have to believe that this is all for a reason…..God sees the big picture, He sees down the road, He knows what tomorrow holds, He holds my tomorrow. He has a plan, and it is perfect. He sees everything, knows everything. All He wants from me is to trust Him. I can sometimes laugh about something Chris and I have talked about often……..I have known since a very young age, that my life was not going to be normal or typical. Same goes for Chris. We both love an adventure…..we both were not made for the mundane, the normal……..so I would guess God does know what He’s doing! All I can say is, this certainly has been an adventure, and I have learned more than I think I am even aware of. I keep going……I may have a bad day here and there, BUT…..I keep going!!!!
Mari
Labels
Marianne and I were watching a church service online a couple of weeks ago and they were talking about labels. How labels can hurt and ultimately destroy people. We have all been victims of being labelled to some degree of our lives and I’m sure most of us would admit that we have labelled others.
I have had many labels in my life…failure, abandonment, rejection, unworthiness, shame, being called stupid and even extreme ones like “I wished you never existed”. Unfortunately I had become much like these labels were saying. I had taken on the characteristics of these lies. I started to believe what I was labeled. I even labelled myself.
I have been and still am hated for the things I have done..I hate me for the things I have done. Betraying my wife and wounding her deeply. Lying to friends and family just so to make myself look good. I have hurt so many.
But here is the other side of that. My Father (God) did not create me for those labels..He didn’t create me to be in shame, or feel abandoned. He created me to be His…I am His..
He created you just the same..He loves you! It doesn’t matter what junk you carry or what sins you have done…HE LOVES YOU!!
Satan does not like to see anything work out that God has put together. He will try his very best to corrupt us, make us give into temptations, break up relationships and destroy marriages.
We must break the labels that destroy so many. We must fight back with GRACE. Grace is the higher road!
“Labels mutilate the identity of the person who dispenses and/or receives them. Labels lie. Don’t use them. Don’t accept them.” – POTSC. (http://www.potsc.com/)
I am reminded everyday of the shameful things I have done…everyday. I have hurt so many..caused so much damage.
To the ones I have hurt so deeply and have cut me off from their lives…I AM TRULY SORRY! I am sorry for the lies, the betrayal and for letting you down. I am sorry for hurting you in any way. Please let Grace wash over you and find a way to forgive me. Please forgive me so that no thing can take a stronghold in your life.
Life is a process. We’re all in this together!!
I am so thankful for God’s Grace!
Find freedom today!
Christopher
Till We Get the Healing Done!
If you have been following our blog you are aware that my husband and I separated in May of 2009. It wasn’t an easy road to healing and restoration in our marriage, but I am so happy that I chose this path. I could have chosen a different path, I could have divorced Chris? Would people have disagreed with that decision? Probably not. In fact, some encouraged it. It was a time when I had many voices and people to listen to, but I chose to listen to one. I chose to listen to the truth and promises of my Father, the truth that God is faithful, He is love, He is gracious, He has plans and a purpose for me, He delights in me, He is full of mercy, He comforts, He renews and restores lives, He heals my pain and sorrow, He gives peace and rest, He cares for me affectionately……(clearly I could go on and on.) In the first few months of our separation, I spent a lot of time in God’s word. Asking Him to lead and guide me. I believe that He did. And He spoke to me too, He also let me see things in a different light, from a different perspective, from His perspective. He challenged me to love as He loves, show grace as He shows grace, to see Chris and others from the inside out. He also reminded me of our wedding vows, something I took and still take very seriously. I came across this decree, “A Standers Affirmation” by an unknown author. I could not have said it better!
A Standers Affirmation
I AM STANDING FOR THE HEALING OF MY MARRIAGE!… I will not give up, give in, give out or give over ’til that healing takes place. I made a vow, I said the words, I gave the pledge, I gave a ring, I took a ring, I gave myself, I trusted GOD, and said the words, and meant the words… in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in good times and in bad…so I am standing NOW, and will not sit down, let down, slow down, calm down, fall down, look down or be down ’til the breakdown is torn down!
I refuse to put my eyes on outward circumstances, or listen to prophets of doom, or buy into what is trendy, worldly, popular, convenient, easy, quick, thrifty, or advantageous… nor will I settle for a cheap imitation of God’s real thing, nor will I seek to lower God’s standard, twist God’s will, rewrite God’s word, violate God’s covenant, or accept what God hates, namely divorce!
In a world of filth, I will stay pure; surrounded by lies I will speak the truth; where hopelessness abounds, I will hope in God: where revenge is easier, I will bless instead of curse; and where the odds are stacked against me, I will trust in God’s faithfulness.
I am a STANDER, and I will not acquiesce, compromise, quarrel or quit.. I have made the choice, set my face, entered the race, believed the Word, and trusted God for all the outcome.
I will allow neither the reaction of my spouse, nor the urging of my friends, nor the advice of my loved ones, nor economic hardship, nor the prompting of the devil to make me let up, slow up, blow up, or give up ’til my marriage is healed.
This decree talks about healing in a marriage, not giving up, not giving in. It reminds me of the Van Morrison song, “Till We Get the Healing Done.” So I posted the song and the words. I made a commitment to my husband Christopher to keep pressing on till we get the healing done. With God’s grace we will get the healing done
Till We Get the Healing Done by Van Morrison
Down those old ancient streets
Down those old ancient roads
Baby there together we must go
Till we get the healing done
Till we get the healing done
Till you’re satisfied with your life
Till you’re satisfied with your life
Till you’re satisfied with your life
And it’s running right, and it’s running right
Till you deal with the poison inside
Sometimes you’ve got to sit down and cry
When you deal with the poison inside
Till we get the healing done
Till we get the healing done
Till you feel the tingle up your spine
Till you’re satisfied and you’re mine
Till you feel a tingle up your spine
Till we get the healing done
Till we get the healing done
Till you live in the glory of the One
Till you live in the land of the sun
Till you feel like your life has just begun
Till we get the healing done
Till we get the healing done
Till we dwell in the house of the Lord
Till you don’t have to worry no more
Till you open a brand new world
Till we get the healing done
Till we get the healing done
Till it makes you feel alright
Till you’re satisfied with your life
Till you know you live in the Light
Till we get the healing done
Oh till we get the healing done
Till you look at the mountains every day
Till you wash all your troubles away
And you live right here in the day
Till we get the healing done
Oh till we get the healing done
Oh till it’s Truth and it’s beauty and it’s grace
Till you’ve finally found your true place
Till you know your original face
Till we get the healing done
Oh child, till we get the healing done
Oh when everything’s going right
Till you’re satisfied with your life
Till you’re living in the Light
Till we get the healing done
Oh till we get the healing done
Oh when you feel it, when you feel it in your soul
Baby, and you really know
That you reap just what you sow
When we get the healing done
Oh till we get the healing done
Till you know that it’s working every time
Till you work it out in your mind
And you know it straight down the line
Till you get the healing done
Oh make no worry till we get the healing done
Oh we gonna go back, back to our favourite place
Oh look at it again
See it all through different eyes
When we get the healing done
Oh when we get the healing done
Oh we’re living for the grace of the Lord
Baby feel so good about it all
Oh give thanks every day
Till we get the healing done
Oh till we get the healing done
Till we get the healing done
Oh baby, baby till we get the healing done
Till we get the healing done
Baby you got to stay
Till we get the healing done
If it takes to the break of day
Till we get the healing done
Till we get the healing done
Till we get the healing done
Till we get the healing done
You got to stay all night long
Till we get the healing done
Mari
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