Breaking Free from Shame
After Chris and I separated in May of 2009, I mentioned how I started seeing a Christian counselor. She recommended that I read this book by John and Stasi Eldredge called “Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul.” I would as well recommend this book to every woman. Every woman. Period. Some of the chapters were a little more difficult to go through than others, and by that I mean that I had to dig deep, search my soul, be truthful with myself and uncover some things that I really didn’t want to expose at all. It helped me understand along with my counselors help, how some things from my past have completely affected me, relationships I have been in and ones I still have, but most importantly my marriage relationship. Let me explain. One of the tough chapters talked about shame. Ugh, that word. Shame, even the word invokes feelings of shame. I was living with shame from a young age, a result of a few inappropriate encounters. One of those encounters was with another boy where lines were crossed physically. They left me feeling disgusting, gross, confused, fearful, but mostly ashamed. I had kept this hidden and secret for almost 24 years from everyone, including my husband. All of this was brought to the forefront again when Chris’ crap came out, shame reared its ugly head again….I was ashamed of Chris and ashamed of myself for not knowing what was going on behind my back, ashamed of what people would think and then ashamed of what happened when I was 8. Shame affected me to the core……which made me believe lies about myself.
Here is a great website that I found that talks about shame: http://www.columbiapsych.com/shame_miller.html
And here are a few excerpts from it……
“One of the most striking contradictions that I have come across as a therapist is the discrepancy between the centrality of the affect of shame in humans, and the lack of attention shame has received in the study and practice of psychology. In my own training, I was taught to attend to a wide range of feelings: anger, fear, sexuality, excitement, sadness, but rarely, if ever, the feeling of shame……..In fact, most of us feel shame about feeling shame. As a result shame is rarely acknowledged to others, or even to oneself……As with any feeling, when shame is denied it will only resurface to create even more pain and havoc.” – Mark Miller PhD
“Helen B. Lewis, a pioneer in recognizing the importance of shame to psychotherapy, argued that shame really represents an entire family of emotions. This family includes: humiliation, embarrassment, feelings of low self-esteem, belittlement, and stigmatization. Shame is often a central ingredient in experiences of being:
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alienated |
unworthy |
“Shame manifests itself physically in a wide variety of forms. The person may hide their eyes; lower their gaze; blush; bite their lips or tongue; present a forced smile; or fidget. Other responses may include annoyance, defensiveness, exaggeration or denial. Because the affect of shame often interferes with our ability to think, the individual may experience confusion, being at a loss for words, or a completely blank mind.”
Another great website about shame http://www.emotionalcompetency.com/shame.htm explains shame versus guilt…..
“Shame is closely related to, but distinct from guilt. While shame is a failure to meet your own standards of behavior, guilt is a failure to meet other’s standards of behavior…..…Shame is personal, while guilt is public. Shame reflects on the “human being”, and guilt reflects on the “human doing”.”
That might have been an overload on shame, but I really like how they explain it along with understanding the physical manifestations of shame. As I read this, I was checking off in my head some of the effects shame has had on me, I can certainly identify with quite a few of them……maybe you can see yourself in them as well.
The problem was that both Chris and I brought shame into our marriage unknowingly. We were communicating with each other and responding with underlying shame. It was behind what we spoke, how we acted, how we interpreted things, or most importantly how we misinterpreted things. This caused a wedge to develop in our relationship; it slowly caused us to pull away from each other, which made us fall into the poor coping skills we developed over our lifetimes. But what Satan wanted to use to destroy our marriage (and let me tell you he certainly tried, and tried hard), God has come in to this situation and brought us both through personal healing as well as marital healing. By no means have we conquered all our issues, but at least we know the fundamentals to communicate our feelings, emotions, failures, victories without shame.
Here is another great website that talks about shame in Marriage: How to overcome it. http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/sex_and_intimacy/the_overcoming_marriage/divorcing_shame_from_marriage.aspx
“Fear not; you will no longer live in shame.
Don’t be afraid; there is no more disgrace for you.
You will no longer remember the shame of your youth…” Isaiah 54:4
“Instead of shame and dishonor,
you will enjoy a double share of honor.
You will possess a double portion of prosperity in your land,
and everlasting joy will be yours.” Isaiah 61:7
Chris and I are not the first couple to bring shame into our marriage, nor will we be the last. You see it right from the beginning of time with Adam and Eve; how shame infiltrates marriage. And shame can stem from so many things. Maybe something happened to you when you were young, maybe you made a mistake, maybe you did something you regret, maybe you had to keep a secret, maybe someone said something to you that affected you to the core, maybe you are believing lies about yourself, or maybe you just aren’t living up to your own standards.
You don’t have to live with shame, God can take that shame. You can enjoy your marriage and your relationships free of shame. Like Isaiah 61:7 says, I will take my double portion of honor instead of shame, and EVERLASTING JOY will be mine!
Mari
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