In all honesty…….
In all honesty…….
It has been almost 6 months since I have written a blog. Chris and I go on every once and a while and it is so encouraging to see people from literally all over the world reading and subscribing to our blog. I hope that it has been helpful for those readers, or if anything just a good read. 😉 The reason I have not written anything in 6 months is simply because I felt like I had nothing to say. We have been battling and trying to push through quite a few obstacles, and haven’t fully grasped this “stay positive” thing and “chin up, it will get better” very well. We have had some very low points……and by that I mean, not having the ability to see past our circumstance, or to stand in an unwavering hope, or rest in a peace that passes understanding. I feel like I have failed so many times in so many areas. So how on earth can I write a blog to encourage those of you out there that read it, when I can’t even talk myself out of this black hole some days?
So I have been a little scared to admit it I suppose, that I don’t have it all together. I don’t have it all together! There I said it……. I worry too much about what people think about me, about my situation, about my choices…….I hate disappointing people, I don’t like to bring other people down, I hate complaining about our situation and circumstances…….SO……I didn’t want to say anything, BUT THEN Chris reminded me that we said we were gonna be honest and talk about the good, the bad, and the ugly.
If you have been following our blog, you will notice that we have been focusing on inner healing, self-awareness, spiritual growth…….. Sharing what God has done in our marriage after a year of separation, and the transformation in our lives together and individually. But I really wanted to share with you that we have finally moved into our own house again, that Chris got an amazing job, and that our health both physically and mentally is in tip top shape. But here is the reality……..which I am sure some of you can relate to all or parts of it. Chris, myself and the kids are still living with Chris’ mom and grandmother (I can’t even begin to tell you how grateful and indebted we are for them allowing us to live with them indefinitely), it is still a struggle for Chris to find work in the city we live in (one of the worst cities in Canada for unemployment right now), so we have no financial stability. Chris’ health was up in the air for the last 4 and a half months, due to melanoma being found on his arm. Finding a spot on his arm, having it removed, finding out that it was cancer, having to go to a cancer specialist, not knowing if it had spread or how deep it went, thankfully finding out it was a contained melanoma, then going in to have the rest removed, only to be told by the surgeon that she has to take out more than she thought originally, going deeper and wider, and sending that off for another biopsy to see if it was all removed. Waiting another week and a half for the results…….which by the way, she called and Chris was given a clean bill of health, they removed all the cancer in his arm, and a nice big chunk of skin as well! 😉 So you can well imagine, the state of our emotions were not solid, but quite the opposite actually. It has been a long three years, an emotional three years, a very hard three years. Many times we questioned God. Why? How long? When? What? Many times I still question God…….(I need that strong unfaltering hope and peace that people like Joyce Meyer or Bill Johnson talk about) I need to “get it” like they do, understand it the way they do, live it the way they do……but if I am honest, I have not mastered that yet. I do have good days…..and I do have bad days. BUT…..THIS IS WHAT I DO KNOW RIGHT NOW………our circumstances and situations haven’t changed, the material stuff “if you will”……. BUT we do have a roof over our heads, we have clothes, we can eat, we do have our health, our children are not lacking anything, we have a vehicle, we have some absolutely amazing friends, we have family that love us, we have never missed a bill payment, we do laugh, we do have fun……..
I am thankful and I am grateful and I am still holding on. God is preparing us for something, I have to believe that this is all for a reason…..God sees the big picture, He sees down the road, He knows what tomorrow holds, He holds my tomorrow. He has a plan, and it is perfect. He sees everything, knows everything. All He wants from me is to trust Him. I can sometimes laugh about something Chris and I have talked about often……..I have known since a very young age, that my life was not going to be normal or typical. Same goes for Chris. We both love an adventure…..we both were not made for the mundane, the normal……..so I would guess God does know what He’s doing! All I can say is, this certainly has been an adventure, and I have learned more than I think I am even aware of. I keep going……I may have a bad day here and there, BUT…..I keep going!!!!
Mari
Hope
We often use phrases like “I hope it stops raining” or “I hope to make more money” “I hope this economy turns around” or “I hope the Maple Leafs could win a game”….
Hope in this sense is really just wishing.
When my crisis surfaced in May of 2009 I did a lot of “hoping” or should I say wishing. I wish I never made bad choices. I wish I never hurt my wife and broke my vows. I wish I never hurt my family and friends. I wish I could go back and “re-do” all that I did wrong…I wish, I wish, I wish. I’ve learned wishing never gets us anywhere…It’s a false hope.
One of the many amazing things about God (Papa), is that he loved me enough to get me out of my own mess. He pulled me out of the pit of despair (Psalm 40:2). He saved me just in the nick of time! (Psalm 107:19-20).
When God (Papa) gave me that second chance, He gave me a fresh new hope. A real hope. A hope different than the world’s kind of hope. I have heavenly hope! Heavenly Hope is defined this way – Hope is an expectation in certainty that what we have been given by God but don’t yet possess is indeed coming in due time.
Hebrews 11:1 – NOW FAITH is the assurance (the confirmation, [a]the title deed) of the things [we] hope for, being the proof of things [we] do not see and the conviction of their reality [faith perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses].(Amplified)
Prov 13:12 – Hope deferred (unrelenting disappointment) makes the heart sick, but when the desire is fulfilled, it is a tree of life
And while I write this I know that some of you reading this may have no hope. You may have been wounded deeply. I may have caused some of that wounding. You feel like you have lost all hope. Being wounded makes us feel like “what’s the point?”, “why should I have hope, I’m only going to get hurt…again?”, “how can I trust anyone?”. Let me tell you something. I have a God (Papa) who brings Hope to the Hopeless. He can heal your hurts and past failures and give you hope. Hope for a future.
There is only one requirement…it requires giving up everything. God requires all of you. That includes your deepest wounds. Your failures…Your addictions…. You. I had to come to the place where I had a choice. Hang on to the garbage or let go. I let go.
We are all His children. He loves everyone the same…regardless of everyone’s junk..Ya, I said everyone…we all got it..junk. You see, he loves you so much that when you surrender your life to Him and have a relationship with Papa you are seated with Him in Heavenly Places! (Eph. 2:6)
I want you to take some time and listen to this song below. Really listen to the words. Know that Papa (God) deeply loves you….
If you would like to contact Marianne or myself (Christopher) please click on the email address. iworshipoutloud@hotmail.com . Tell us how we can pray for you.
You are loved
Christopher
KEEP PRESSING ONWARDS, YOU CAN’T STAY HERE!!
KEEP PRESSING ONWARDS, YOU CAN’T STAY HERE!! Marianne, keep pressing forward, you can’t stay where you are! If I am being honest, I have been in a little funk lately, feeling a little defeated, tired, apathetic…..and mostly because of things like the children’s behavior, situations we are in or encountering, feelings of hopelessness about certain things, the length at which things are taking to actually happen, and probably a lack of vitamins 😉 But Chris has been encouraging me out of this sad little place I am in, challenging me, giving me scripture to meditate on, he even gave me a deadline to do a blog cause it has been so long for me! The deadline was today! So a few days ago while I was making meat loaf (and it turned out yummy) I was struck with a whole sermon in my head. I had been listening to music on my phone while cooking and the song Pioneer by Rick Pino came on…..I actually had never really listened to it cause it was a slower one of his and the title really didn’t catch my attention……BUT the lyrics, “Keep pressing onwards, you can’t stay here…” smacked my face like a wakeup call, and pierced my heart and soul. There was a lot of self-talk going on while I was mixing the raw meat with my bare hands. May have been therapeutic?!
I have posted his YouTube video with lyrics, give it watch……..then I will carry on……
I found a scripture about pioneers in the bible….
Hebrews 12:1-3 (The Message) “Do you see what this means—all these PIONEERS who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we’d better get on with it. Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we’re in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he’s there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!”
So I am gonna back up a little here…….just so you understand my thought pattern. Which may or may not be normal?! 😉
When I was younger, much younger, my parents would pack my sisters and I into our blue safari mini-van and head out on a 2 ½ hour trip to see my grandparents and Aunt and Uncle. We lived in a small town and there was only one highway that led to my grandparents’ house. So I thought that there was only ONE WAY to go, I had memorized all the land marks, where we had to turn, and the familiar sights as we got closer. Wait? What? “Where are you going dad? You missed the turn. You’re going the wrong way. This doesn’t look familiar to me at all.” I was panicking, possibly hyperventilating, questioning, worrying, a little anxious, my eyes were darting around trying to find something that looked familiar! Nothing. Nothing looked the same, where were we? Ah, we were lost! What were we gonna do? But then…I…..saw…..my……… grandparents street………. how did that happen?
Have you ever had this conversation with your father, I mean Father? I have been having this conversation a lot, and to be honest, it has been more of a one-sided conversation with Him. I am so caught up in the what-if’s, the I don’t knows, the why’s, the how come’s, the when’s……..I am not letting Him just drive the “van”…………
There are a few things I have learned, especially the last few years. Sometimes God puts detours on our path and sometimes He even puts road blocks up. It is inevitable that others will cross your path, some only once, and some quite often. Yet even with all these detours and road blocks, God is still leading us to the same destination. Now, because I am being honest, I’ll let you know that sometimes I do get discouraged and think that this particular ‘detour’ or this certain ‘road block’ is taking me too far off course. It is definitely not the way I would have gone, nor is it the turn I would have taken….sometimes I think my plan would have been better!
However, it says in Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome.”
No matter what your path looks like, whatever terrain you are on, wherever it is taking you, whatever twist and turns it makes……….. You have to trust! Trust that God has it all in control, and relax. Don’t let the road blocks or detours deter you from moving forward and embracing your destiny and future!
God wants us to rely on Him and not on our own strength or anyone else’s…….He has a destiny for each one of us, a calling that no one else can do…..we are each individuals, therefore all our paths are going to be unique and different. I know that God has a unique path for me to take, and it may not look how I think it should……but I am never going to quit moving forward, I want to explore, I want to be a pioneer and see what my frontier has for me and what it looks like. I want to be a ground breaker, an innovator, a trailblazer, creator, developer, explorer, spear header, adventurer, risk taker……
I have decided to EMBRACE the path I am on, embrace yours!
Keep moving onwards, you can’t stay here!
Here are some encouraging scripture to remind you what you already know!
Isaiah 55:8-9 “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, says the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.”
Isaiah 43:18-19 “Do not [earnestly] remember the former things; neither consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs forth; do you not perceive and know it and will you not give heed to it? I will even make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.”
Proverbs 3:6 “In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths.”
Psalm 73:23-24 “Nevertheless I am continually with You; You do hold my right hand. You will guide me with Your counsel, and afterward receive me to honor and glory.”
Jeremiah 10:23 “O Lord [pleads Jeremiah in the name of the people], I know that [the determination of] the way of a man is not in himself; it is not in man [even in a strong man or in a man at his best] to direct his [own] steps.”
Mari
Labels
Marianne and I were watching a church service online a couple of weeks ago and they were talking about labels. How labels can hurt and ultimately destroy people. We have all been victims of being labelled to some degree of our lives and I’m sure most of us would admit that we have labelled others.
I have had many labels in my life…failure, abandonment, rejection, unworthiness, shame, being called stupid and even extreme ones like “I wished you never existed”. Unfortunately I had become much like these labels were saying. I had taken on the characteristics of these lies. I started to believe what I was labeled. I even labelled myself.
I have been and still am hated for the things I have done..I hate me for the things I have done. Betraying my wife and wounding her deeply. Lying to friends and family just so to make myself look good. I have hurt so many.
But here is the other side of that. My Father (God) did not create me for those labels..He didn’t create me to be in shame, or feel abandoned. He created me to be His…I am His..
He created you just the same..He loves you! It doesn’t matter what junk you carry or what sins you have done…HE LOVES YOU!!
Satan does not like to see anything work out that God has put together. He will try his very best to corrupt us, make us give into temptations, break up relationships and destroy marriages.
We must break the labels that destroy so many. We must fight back with GRACE. Grace is the higher road!
“Labels mutilate the identity of the person who dispenses and/or receives them. Labels lie. Don’t use them. Don’t accept them.” – POTSC. (http://www.potsc.com/)
I am reminded everyday of the shameful things I have done…everyday. I have hurt so many..caused so much damage.
To the ones I have hurt so deeply and have cut me off from their lives…I AM TRULY SORRY! I am sorry for the lies, the betrayal and for letting you down. I am sorry for hurting you in any way. Please let Grace wash over you and find a way to forgive me. Please forgive me so that no thing can take a stronghold in your life.
Life is a process. We’re all in this together!!
I am so thankful for God’s Grace!
Find freedom today!
Christopher
John 10:10
“The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows).” John 10:10 Amp
I am sure most of you have heard this scripture at some point in your life. I have heard this scripture and have known it off by heart since I was a teenager. I could recite it off the top of my head, and would regurgitate it at appropriate times not really understanding the power behind that powerful scripture. I knew that Satan was AGAINST us and that Jesus was FOR us, but really didn’t think too much more on that fact.
Fast forward to my 30’s and I can say I understand this scripture a “little bit” more! And I don’t take it lightly. I don’t want to say that it is my favourite scripture, but it certainly has become important to me, especially the past 2 ½ years. (See prior blogs)
You see the devil HATES me…. and well….. He hates you too! Ya, he is not your friend. He doesn’t look out for you, have your best in mind…..he doesn’t want you to prosper, for your marriage to work, for your relationships to grow and strengthen. He likes you to be sick, he wants you to have a bad attitude, have some hidden secret sin, talk bad behind people’s backs, accuse or blame. He wants you to be suspicious of others, to feel like a failure. He wants to keep the wall of pride in your life well secured. He wants to strangle your finances. He likes nothing better than for our dreams to die and for us to feel completely defeated. (You get the picture?!)
You see, Satan is a “behind the scenes” kind of guy. When I was in grade 8, I was able to go see The Phantom of the Opera, and actually had front row seats! I was completely captivated, mesmerized by the costumes, the singing, the backdrops, and props, the pyrotechnics, the swinging chandelier…….I was not however aware or thinking about all the stuff going on behind the scenes. The makeup people, the costume people, the lighting people, the pyro people, the sound guys, the stage hands……
(I parallel this to Satan)
He works behind the scenes…..he is a line prompter, and not uplifting lines. He helps us put on costumes and masks to hide our true selves. He illuminates the hurtful words, the wrongdoings, the mistakes in our lives and others to diminish the good, the truth, and the right. He likes to blow up situations and circumstances in our lives to make us feel completely defeated and devastated. He will bring the wrong people at the wrong time into your life. He will press play and then the repeat button on a negative thought in your mind. He will orchestrate situations in our lives where we can compromise something.
But, however, nevertheless, yet, on the other hand, in spite of that: …………and I say this with every ounce of breath….
“Jesus came that I may HAVE and ENJOY LIFE, and HAVE it in ABUNDANCE. To the FULL, till it OVERFLOWS.”
Jesus is in the business of RECLAIMING what the devil has stolen. REVIVING what Satan has killed. RESTORING what has been destroyed. RECOVERING to us, that which is lost. RECONCILING those relationships that have been neglected or broken. REFRESHING and RENEWING our minds. RECREATING and RE-ESTABLISHING our dreams and passions. REJOICING with us!!!
My life personally has come under attack. My relationship with my husband Christopher has come under ‘huge’ attack. Relationships with family have been attacked. Dreams and passions have been trampled on…….
Not everything in my life, that has been attacked, is completely restored. And this is where I sometimes get discouraged. I have a picture in my head of what complete restoration looks like, and it’s not there yet. And I say YET!
Because I believe.
I believe in full restoration.
I believe there is a power in restoration.
I believe restoration is God’s heartbeat.
But mostly……
He loves the word restoration more than I do!
Marianne
Breaking Strongholds
Well…This is long overdue and for those who have been reading regularly I deeply apologize. I have let a few months slip by since my last blog and I am truly sorry for letting that happen.
A lot has happened over the past few months. One thing is that I have finally found an amazing job that God has blessed me with. I started in July so that is one of the reasons for time slipping past. I have been trying to get comfortable with my new position. I thank my Father for His provision!!!
Marianne and I are feeling like breakthrough has finally come for us and we are excited to see where God is taking us….Thank you for your prayers!
Over the past few months I have been thinking about David (you know the guy in the bible). I have been thinking specifically about 1 Samuel 22 where David flee’s from Saul and goes into hiding. He ran to a cave. The Cave of Adullum. Adullum means “Place of Refuge”. Interesting how he ran to a place where he would find refuge…From our Father…
It got me thinking a little deeper on this. How many of us have run to a cave of our own. How many of us ran into the wrong cave? The cave we thought would provide us refuge. How many of us created shelters around us, built up walls…Or lack of a better word..Strongholds?
What is a stronghold? 
A stronghold is a faulty thinking pattern based on lies and deception. Deception is one of the primary weapons of the devil, because it is the building blocks for a stronghold. What strongholds can do is cause us to think in ways which block us from God’s best.
Does this sound familiar? For me this had been all too familiar. I had developed a faulty thinking pattern from a very young age…maybe even right from the womb. I had spent so many years with so many strongholds which contributed to me making bad decisions. I mentioned before in an earlier blog that my inward garbage slowly became my outward actions…God will always bring to surface those “things” that need “breaking off”
I just thank God that I didn’t stay in my cave forever. My Jesus saved me. But I still struggle with shame and guilt and sometimes rather than going to “Adullum”, my place of refuge, I find myself building my own prison. Just this week I talked with Marianne about some of the shame that surfaced because I was faced with an issue that brought back some old emotions. The enemy wants to keep us in a place of defeat. Maybe some of you still struggle with shame. Shame from your past. Shame from something that happened even this week. It’s a continuous battle but if we align ourselves with our Father, we can find the victories we need. One of my favourite books is Shattering Your Strongholds by Liberty Savard. (www.libertysavard.com…It’s a must read if you are struggling with some strongholds in your life.
In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:37-39
Simply put…God Loves us…
Our past has been covered by the blood of Jesus. Our present has been covered by the blood of Jesus. Our future is covered by the blood of Jesus.
For whatever reason, it seems the enemy really likes trying to beat people over the head with their past to try and convince them that they are worthless and will never amount to anything…that they have done things that are too bad for them to ever change. That it’s too late to go back.
There may even be someone reading this right now who believes that they can never turn their lives around and allow Christ to heal them because they feel that the things they have done are too terrible for God to accept them.
The blood of Jesus deals with all of that. The truth is that we come before God broken and helpless and hopeless…coming just as we are and He accepts us as we are. Period.
But we must do our part…Call out to Him.
It’s time we come out of our caves. Break down the Strongholds…Find true Freeedom!!!
It’s best thing that has happened to Marianne and I and we continue to work at freedom! We are People of the Second Chance http://www.potsc.com/ . (check the website out)
So rise. Rise up and embrace this life. Rise and step into the destiny that God has called you to.
“If you want to see things you have never seen before, you must be prepared to do things you have never done before!” – Graham Cooke
Till We Get the Healing Done!
If you have been following our blog you are aware that my husband and I separated in May of 2009. It wasn’t an easy road to healing and restoration in our marriage, but I am so happy that I chose this path. I could have chosen a different path, I could have divorced Chris? Would people have disagreed with that decision? Probably not. In fact, some encouraged it. It was a time when I had many voices and people to listen to, but I chose to listen to one. I chose to listen to the truth and promises of my Father, the truth that God is faithful, He is love, He is gracious, He has plans and a purpose for me, He delights in me, He is full of mercy, He comforts, He renews and restores lives, He heals my pain and sorrow, He gives peace and rest, He cares for me affectionately……(clearly I could go on and on.) In the first few months of our separation, I spent a lot of time in God’s word. Asking Him to lead and guide me. I believe that He did. And He spoke to me too, He also let me see things in a different light, from a different perspective, from His perspective. He challenged me to love as He loves, show grace as He shows grace, to see Chris and others from the inside out. He also reminded me of our wedding vows, something I took and still take very seriously. I came across this decree, “A Standers Affirmation” by an unknown author. I could not have said it better!
A Standers Affirmation
I AM STANDING FOR THE HEALING OF MY MARRIAGE!… I will not give up, give in, give out or give over ’til that healing takes place. I made a vow, I said the words, I gave the pledge, I gave a ring, I took a ring, I gave myself, I trusted GOD, and said the words, and meant the words… in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in good times and in bad…so I am standing NOW, and will not sit down, let down, slow down, calm down, fall down, look down or be down ’til the breakdown is torn down!
I refuse to put my eyes on outward circumstances, or listen to prophets of doom, or buy into what is trendy, worldly, popular, convenient, easy, quick, thrifty, or advantageous… nor will I settle for a cheap imitation of God’s real thing, nor will I seek to lower God’s standard, twist God’s will, rewrite God’s word, violate God’s covenant, or accept what God hates, namely divorce!
In a world of filth, I will stay pure; surrounded by lies I will speak the truth; where hopelessness abounds, I will hope in God: where revenge is easier, I will bless instead of curse; and where the odds are stacked against me, I will trust in God’s faithfulness.
I am a STANDER, and I will not acquiesce, compromise, quarrel or quit.. I have made the choice, set my face, entered the race, believed the Word, and trusted God for all the outcome.
I will allow neither the reaction of my spouse, nor the urging of my friends, nor the advice of my loved ones, nor economic hardship, nor the prompting of the devil to make me let up, slow up, blow up, or give up ’til my marriage is healed.
This decree talks about healing in a marriage, not giving up, not giving in. It reminds me of the Van Morrison song, “Till We Get the Healing Done.” So I posted the song and the words. I made a commitment to my husband Christopher to keep pressing on till we get the healing done. With God’s grace we will get the healing done
Till We Get the Healing Done by Van Morrison
Down those old ancient streets
Down those old ancient roads
Baby there together we must go
Till we get the healing done
Till we get the healing done
Till you’re satisfied with your life
Till you’re satisfied with your life
Till you’re satisfied with your life
And it’s running right, and it’s running right
Till you deal with the poison inside
Sometimes you’ve got to sit down and cry
When you deal with the poison inside
Till we get the healing done
Till we get the healing done
Till you feel the tingle up your spine
Till you’re satisfied and you’re mine
Till you feel a tingle up your spine
Till we get the healing done
Till we get the healing done
Till you live in the glory of the One
Till you live in the land of the sun
Till you feel like your life has just begun
Till we get the healing done
Till we get the healing done
Till we dwell in the house of the Lord
Till you don’t have to worry no more
Till you open a brand new world
Till we get the healing done
Till we get the healing done
Till it makes you feel alright
Till you’re satisfied with your life
Till you know you live in the Light
Till we get the healing done
Oh till we get the healing done
Till you look at the mountains every day
Till you wash all your troubles away
And you live right here in the day
Till we get the healing done
Oh till we get the healing done
Oh till it’s Truth and it’s beauty and it’s grace
Till you’ve finally found your true place
Till you know your original face
Till we get the healing done
Oh child, till we get the healing done
Oh when everything’s going right
Till you’re satisfied with your life
Till you’re living in the Light
Till we get the healing done
Oh till we get the healing done
Oh when you feel it, when you feel it in your soul
Baby, and you really know
That you reap just what you sow
When we get the healing done
Oh till we get the healing done
Till you know that it’s working every time
Till you work it out in your mind
And you know it straight down the line
Till you get the healing done
Oh make no worry till we get the healing done
Oh we gonna go back, back to our favourite place
Oh look at it again
See it all through different eyes
When we get the healing done
Oh when we get the healing done
Oh we’re living for the grace of the Lord
Baby feel so good about it all
Oh give thanks every day
Till we get the healing done
Oh till we get the healing done
Till we get the healing done
Oh baby, baby till we get the healing done
Till we get the healing done
Baby you got to stay
Till we get the healing done
If it takes to the break of day
Till we get the healing done
Till we get the healing done
Till we get the healing done
Till we get the healing done
You got to stay all night long
Till we get the healing done
Mari
The “Sting” of Life
Have you ever been stung by a bee? Ouch…does it ever hurt. I have been stung many times in my life. Bee stings are either annoyingly painful or deadly. However, it’s always entertaining to watch grown adults run away from this tiny insect but at the same time we all know that little thing can sure pack a “sting”. The best thing to do when you’ve been stung is to get the stinger out right away. The longer bee stingers are allowed to remain in the body, the more severe the reaction will be….
Being wounded is very similar. It hurts. And some of us have been stung many times by the issues of life. I have. And if the wounding is left untreated it could also be annoyingly painful…even deadly. Wounds hurt. Whether it’s been a divorce, betrayal, abuse of any kind or rejection. Some people have had the stinger or stingers in for a lifetime without ever experiencing proper treatment….freedom.
I was one of those people. I had been stung so many times that I have lost count. Not that I was counting anyway. I had functioned out of wounding for a long time. I had to compensate for all the shame I had been carrying. Shame from rejection, abandonment, shame from feeling unworthy. Shame from feeling like “I was a mistake”…many, many stings. I created a survival skill to bury my shame. One of my skills was performance. I hid behind being “the funny guy”. It was the one thing I could control at the time. I even exaggerated things in my life. I tried to make myself look better than I actually felt about myself. I began to live from the outside/in, hiding who I really was when I really should have been living from the inside out. But that would reveal the true ‘Christopher Brown’ – the one who was wounded and broken. The inside was so damaged. I had been stung so many times. And if the stinger is not removed immediately it could be more severe later. I am living proof of that.
You see, I functioned out of wounding for a long time. But here’s the thing about being wounded. Wounding can keep us in a place of playing the victim. Being able to tell our stories of all the “stings” we have been given. Wounding keeps us in a place where we allow our hurt to define us. A wounded person will wound others. Wounding is leaving the “stings” untreated….
And then there is being Broken. This is completely different than being wounded. Being broken allows our hearts to be open to receive true healing. Brokenness allows looking into our painful past to see what treatment is needed for the “stings”. It took me a long time to go from being wounded to being broken. God had a bigger plan. One that I couldn’t see because of my “untreated stings”. At least that was until I became broken. It’s a hard place to be, but it’s a great place to be. I am still broken today. I plan to stay that way…
What about you? I’m sure you have been stung. Maybe many times. Maybe even by me. There is treatment. But it requires letting go. It requires letting go of the wounding and coming to the place of brokenness. It requires you. I am still letting go of things. Still pulling out some “stingers”. But brokenness desires freedom for all of us.
Jesus didn’t come into this world to institute organized religion; He came to reveal true freedom. Marianne and I were chatting in the park as our kids were playing and we were talking about how this true freedom is not the kind that has labels for our sins and addictions. For example saying..”I’m an alcoholic” or “I’m a sex addict”. True Freedom from Christ is the kind that says – “I am Free! No longer am I a slave to my sin.”! God doesn’t see me as an alcoholic, sex addict or whatever the sin is. He sees us as righteous. We are His delight.
Jesus came to set us free. Period. That was His purpose on this earth. Look at Isaiah 61:1…
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me, for the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor. He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted and to proclaim that captives will be released
and prisoners will be freed
He came to set the captives free…What does that mean? That means He came for the broken hearted. He came for the captive. The person who has been in bondage. That person who has been wounded. Jesus based His whole ministry around one message. “The Message of Sozo”. Sozo is a Greek word that means…Saved. Delivered. Healed. Restored. Preserved. I AM SOZO!! God loves me. I love God. God flows through me to love others…it’s that simple. Where there is love..there is healing
It’s time to take the “stingers” out. It’s time to let go. Time to go from being wounded to being broken. Let’s continue this journey called “life” together. Remember, where there is love…there is healing. Marianne and I desire to see people set free. We want you to be Free! We want to continue to stay free ourselves. We all need each other. Even though our greatest woundings come from relationship, that is where we will find our greatest healing…through relationships.
So join us…Be broken. Receive healing. Be a part of this “SOZO Revolution”!
Be Saved. Delivered. Healed. Restored. Preserved.
You are loved!
Christopher
Breaking Free from Shame
After Chris and I separated in May of 2009, I mentioned how I started seeing a Christian counselor. She recommended that I read this book by John and Stasi Eldredge called “Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul.” I would as well recommend this book to every woman. Every woman. Period. Some of the chapters were a little more difficult to go through than others, and by that I mean that I had to dig deep, search my soul, be truthful with myself and uncover some things that I really didn’t want to expose at all. It helped me understand along with my counselors help, how some things from my past have completely affected me, relationships I have been in and ones I still have, but most importantly my marriage relationship. Let me explain. One of the tough chapters talked about shame. Ugh, that word. Shame, even the word invokes feelings of shame. I was living with shame from a young age, a result of a few inappropriate encounters. One of those encounters was with another boy where lines were crossed physically. They left me feeling disgusting, gross, confused, fearful, but mostly ashamed. I had kept this hidden and secret for almost 24 years from everyone, including my husband. All of this was brought to the forefront again when Chris’ crap came out, shame reared its ugly head again….I was ashamed of Chris and ashamed of myself for not knowing what was going on behind my back, ashamed of what people would think and then ashamed of what happened when I was 8. Shame affected me to the core……which made me believe lies about myself.
Here is a great website that I found that talks about shame: http://www.columbiapsych.com/shame_miller.html
And here are a few excerpts from it……
“One of the most striking contradictions that I have come across as a therapist is the discrepancy between the centrality of the affect of shame in humans, and the lack of attention shame has received in the study and practice of psychology. In my own training, I was taught to attend to a wide range of feelings: anger, fear, sexuality, excitement, sadness, but rarely, if ever, the feeling of shame……..In fact, most of us feel shame about feeling shame. As a result shame is rarely acknowledged to others, or even to oneself……As with any feeling, when shame is denied it will only resurface to create even more pain and havoc.” – Mark Miller PhD
“Helen B. Lewis, a pioneer in recognizing the importance of shame to psychotherapy, argued that shame really represents an entire family of emotions. This family includes: humiliation, embarrassment, feelings of low self-esteem, belittlement, and stigmatization. Shame is often a central ingredient in experiences of being:
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alienated |
unworthy |
“Shame manifests itself physically in a wide variety of forms. The person may hide their eyes; lower their gaze; blush; bite their lips or tongue; present a forced smile; or fidget. Other responses may include annoyance, defensiveness, exaggeration or denial. Because the affect of shame often interferes with our ability to think, the individual may experience confusion, being at a loss for words, or a completely blank mind.”
Another great website about shame http://www.emotionalcompetency.com/shame.htm explains shame versus guilt…..
“Shame is closely related to, but distinct from guilt. While shame is a failure to meet your own standards of behavior, guilt is a failure to meet other’s standards of behavior…..…Shame is personal, while guilt is public. Shame reflects on the “human being”, and guilt reflects on the “human doing”.”
That might have been an overload on shame, but I really like how they explain it along with understanding the physical manifestations of shame. As I read this, I was checking off in my head some of the effects shame has had on me, I can certainly identify with quite a few of them……maybe you can see yourself in them as well.
The problem was that both Chris and I brought shame into our marriage unknowingly. We were communicating with each other and responding with underlying shame. It was behind what we spoke, how we acted, how we interpreted things, or most importantly how we misinterpreted things. This caused a wedge to develop in our relationship; it slowly caused us to pull away from each other, which made us fall into the poor coping skills we developed over our lifetimes. But what Satan wanted to use to destroy our marriage (and let me tell you he certainly tried, and tried hard), God has come in to this situation and brought us both through personal healing as well as marital healing. By no means have we conquered all our issues, but at least we know the fundamentals to communicate our feelings, emotions, failures, victories without shame.
Here is another great website that talks about shame in Marriage: How to overcome it. http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/sex_and_intimacy/the_overcoming_marriage/divorcing_shame_from_marriage.aspx
“Fear not; you will no longer live in shame.
Don’t be afraid; there is no more disgrace for you.
You will no longer remember the shame of your youth…” Isaiah 54:4
“Instead of shame and dishonor,
you will enjoy a double share of honor.
You will possess a double portion of prosperity in your land,
and everlasting joy will be yours.” Isaiah 61:7
Chris and I are not the first couple to bring shame into our marriage, nor will we be the last. You see it right from the beginning of time with Adam and Eve; how shame infiltrates marriage. And shame can stem from so many things. Maybe something happened to you when you were young, maybe you made a mistake, maybe you did something you regret, maybe you had to keep a secret, maybe someone said something to you that affected you to the core, maybe you are believing lies about yourself, or maybe you just aren’t living up to your own standards.
You don’t have to live with shame, God can take that shame. You can enjoy your marriage and your relationships free of shame. Like Isaiah 61:7 says, I will take my double portion of honor instead of shame, and EVERLASTING JOY will be mine!
Mari
Can You Believe it?
I find all to often people in the “body of Christ” are giving up. I need to mention that I am preaching to the choir when I say this…
Maybe this is because we have spent too much time “wounding our own” in the church and not enough time restoring lives…Now before we get our judgment hats on lets dig a little further on this. After all, we have stated that our blog is about hope, reconciliation, restoration and love without limits…
It seems that the focus in many churches is getting rid of sin in the church. I read in a book that said “if we spend our time getting rid of sin in the church, we will surely see a lot of empty buildings”…We are all sinners in need of a Saviour.
“Life is a process and we have to go through the process to get to the promise” (Graham Cooke). I am still a work in progress, meaning I am still in the process but I am glad to know that God’s hand is still on me. He loves me so much that He has put people around me to speak life over me and my wife Marianne. I am so thankful that He doesn’t write me off. Did you get that? God will never write you off. No matter what. He loves us. And when we call out to Him, He simply picks us up, shakes off the dust and puts us back in the game.
We are all sinners. I am a sinner but God sees me as righteous. I am His delight…ouch. I still have a hard time with that one.
When I was living with my “hidden sin’s” I felt sick, tired and wretched. I was in so much inner turmoil that I felt like there would never be a way out. It was like disease eating away at my very inner core, yet God still delighted in me. Isn’t that hard to fathom? He loves us even when we screw up.
So what is my point with all of this? Well…
I am in a place where I am battling everyday to change my thinking. Change it to believing. Believing that God delights in me. Believing that He doesn’t take His calling away…even if you screw up. Believing that He can bring a much needed breakthrough for my family. Believing that God will give us new dreams and visions…etc.
Ephesians 3:20
God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! (The Message)
God knows no earthly barriers or boundaries that will keep Him from fulfilling the best plans and purposes for His children.
We can choose to live our lives in the limitations of our own natural understanding and perceived boundaries, or we can choose to believe what God has promised for us. That He is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine according to His power that is at work within us! Our Father is the biggest, strongest and most wonderful Dad in the universe and He has promised that He is able to do exceedingly, abundantly, above all that we ask or imagine!
Can you believe it?
Whatever you are going through, know this…You are loved!
Christopher
An Ambassador?
For some reason this particular passage of scripture has been whirling around in my head, over and over, for a few months actually and I keep going back to it. So I am guessing that I should share this scripture and some of my thoughts, and again, they are just ‘my’ thoughts. But some of what is in this passage literally makes my heart beat faster and makes this fire burn inside of me cause I desire restoration in everybody’s life. So I share…..
2 Corinthians 5:14-20(Message)
His love has the first and last word in everything we do. Life would be simply outrageous if we all actually lived by this guideline, but man is this hard sometimes….I can honestly say that it doesn’t, not in my life. My selfish nature wants to get the last word, the last slam against someone that has hurt me, and also brings every excuse as to why I can’t do this or that for someone, and justifies why I shouldn’t. I am just being real.
14-15Our firm decision is to work from this focused center: One man died for everyone. That puts everyone in the same boat. He included everyone in his death so that everyone could also be included in his life, a resurrection life, a far better life than people ever lived on their own. Jesus died for everyone! BAM. That’s it. You can’t debate it, argue it, or challenge it. He died for everyone. This is hard to remember sometimes, because we love the ‘ya, but’ excuse. A while ago I had written in my journal about this….here is an excerpt… “No matter our sin….the same price was paid. The same suffering occurred. How can we even begin to rate sin when ultimately Jesus died for ALL sin. That is saying that Jesus was a fool to suffer for someone who isn’t that sinful by man’s standards.” If we could look at everyone as Jesus looks at everyone, think of the restorative power behind that. It simply makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs……. We are all in the same boat, we are all human, we are all in need of a Saviour, we all screw up, so please get over what you need to get over so we can all get along and enjoy this ‘Boating expedition’ together. Hebrews 12:14,15; Romans 12:18 are great examples of living at peace with one another, getting along, getting over our differences, our hurts, and ultimately all of us living under and in God’s amazing Grace!
16-20Because of this decision we don’t evaluate people by what they have or how they look. We looked at the Messiah that way once and got it all wrong, as you know. We certainly don’t look at him that way anymore. Now we look inside, and what we see is that anyone united with the Messiah gets a fresh start, is created new. The old life is gone; a new life burgeons! (to grow or develop quickly; flourish) Look at it! All this comes from the God who settled the relationship between us and him, and then called us to settle our relationships with each other. God put the world square with himself through the Messiah, giving the world a fresh start by offering forgiveness of sins. God has given us the task of telling everyone what he is doing. We’re Christ’s representatives. God uses us to persuade men and women to drop their differences and enter into God’s work of making things right between them. We’re speaking for Christ himself now: Become friends with God; he’s already a friend with you. So this last paragraph is jam-packed full of stuff. Stuff that I am dealing with and want to conquer. I think that a lot of us are evaluating people on a day to day basis, I know I do…I talked about it in one of my prior blogs. Here is where the problem lies…..we judge and evaluate people based on our own human standards, and by our own natural instincts and our own human point of view. I am not saying that we are evil, but we are sinners and don’t necessarily see things the way that God sees them. Well duh, we are human! But this is where we have to ask the Father to help us see others from His perspective. He sees us all with our garbage, with our scars, with our failures, with our attitudes, which we see in others too…..however, God sees past that. He sees our potential, our future, our destiny, and cheers us on, not holding all the other ‘stuff’ against us. This is where we are different….we do hold it against others, we don’t see beyond the crap in their lives, the hurts that they have caused us, the pain they have caused. Lord, let me see others the way you do.
EVERYONE united with Christ gets a fresh start! I am going to talk about a possible misconception here, one that I am guilty of. We equate, coming into relationship with Christ as ‘coming into the light’…….and if someone sins after that conversion…..we say “well they should have known better.” Trust me; I have heard this one especially about Chris and his sins. He should have known better….this may be true…..David Weidner, a man who has overcome his sexual addictions said this….”Over time, I’ve realized that coming into the light isn’t reserved for our conversion. On the contrary, this transparent lifestyle is the only way we overcome addiction or any perpetual sin. Light isn’t just the destination, it’s also the path out of darkness.” Wow, love that!
I also want to touch on the line where it says Christ called us all to settle our relationships with each other. Hmm, this one, makes my heart beat faster…..It’s hard, it’s difficult, and it hurts. I am not in relationship with some people I should be or could be, and I know God wants it……I am just being real; I don’t know how to get there.
I mentioned before the scriptures, Hebrews 12:14 &15…… “ 14 Work at living in peace with everyone, and work at living a holy life, for those who are not holy will not see the Lord. 15 Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.” AND Romans 12:18 “Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.” I don’t want to be responsible for someone else not receiving and experiencing God’s grace, I don’t want bitterness to grow and trouble me, and possibly corrupt others. If I harbour bitterness towards someone else, especially a fellow believer, what would make someone who doesn’t believe want this ‘christian’ life. I have to ask myself, have I done all I can, as much as depends on me, to live at peace with everyone. No probably not. I am sure there are things I could do. Are there things that you could do to have relationship or a better relationship with people that you once had relationship with? Wow, why am I writing this? It hurts like you wouldn’t believe…..But I know God has put this in my heart for months. And I don’t want to ignore it, I want God to continually make me more like Him and if that means that I have to have this mirror in my face and see what needs to be worked on , then so be it!
We are all representing Christ if we have chosen to live for Him and want Him to lead and guide us. Am I a good representation of Him? Would people know I am a Christ-Follower? Do I represent all that He is? Am I an ambassador of grace, love, acceptance, reconciliation, comfort, hope, truth, second chances, forgiveness……..for others who need this in their lives?
Mari
From the Ground Up
Mari’s last blog is one of those blogs that get us all thinking. It did for me anyway. She wrote how at a young age she began to build those walls….I want to share with you some of those “bricks” that made a foundation for the walls in my life…
Over the years I have built up my walls…one ”brick” at a time. For me, my walls were built out of wounding and hurts from a very young age.
Some of these “bricks” were feelings like rejection, unworthiness, fear and shame. These are just to name a few. These “bricks” are what created a foundation for my life. A Foundation that as we learned, later affected how I made bad choices. With feelings of being unwanted, unworthy, fear and shame, I began to build walls to protect myself so that no one could hurt me anymore.
Over the years, I began to push people away. Sure, I had and still have friendships but I would never let anyone in too close for fear of a couple of things. First, I didn’t want to be hurt by anyone anymore. And second, I didn’t feel anyone really wanted me (feelings of unworthiness). So I began to build a way to protect. At the time it was the only way I knew how.
I deceived people. I convinced people that I was larger than life. I got caught up in performance mode. I exaggerated stories and situations. This was another way I protected myself by not letting people see the real “Christopher Brown”. The one who was hurting.
It wasn’t until everything surfaced back in May of 2009 that I saw all these “bricks” I had. Through the counseling, reading and many conversations with incredible friends I began see find the root of these issues. And so began the “rebuilding”…from the ground up. It was then I was able to come to a place of real healing. Not just healing but see me how God sees me. And how is that you ask?…
I am made in the image of Christ.
I am the head, not the tail.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
I am beautiful, and I am deeply loved, and cared for.
He knows everything about me, is concerned about me, and even knows how many hairs I have on your head. Or in my case..the few hairs on my head.
He has a plan and purpose for me.
My steps are ordered.
I am a mighty warrior. I am an overcomer. I am more than a conqueror.
And I am friend of God
That was something I had recited at every counseling session I had.
Marianne and I have a desire to see people find a place of refuge. A safety. A place where healing can take place before a crisis happens to someone else. No one is beyond restoration. Not one.
So here is what I have learned and need to continually remind myself of…
God will bless you when others reject you. When you are cursed and rejected and ignored and persecuted God draws near and embraces you and accepts you. When all else leaves, God will never leave. When others want nothing to do with us God calls our name and says draw near – He will sustain! When persecuted and rejected remember the big picture and rejoice. Find HOPE in Christ. Find your strength in Him. God will bless you. The Word says that. The situation may not feel pleasant – but know that there is a reward, a blessing. And remember, God is with you, always.
Luke 6:27-35 Love your enemies, and be good to everyone who hates you. 28Ask God to bless anyone who curses you, and pray for everyone who is cruel to you. 29If someone slaps you on one cheek, don’t stop that person from slapping you on the other cheek. If someone wants to take your coat, don’t try to keep back your shirt. 30Give to everyone who asks and don’t ask people to return what they have taken from you. 31Treat others just as you want to be treated.
Act like God.
Be like God.
Who blesses sinners.
Who welcomes the fallen.
Who died for the guilty.
Act like God.
Bless instead of curse, reject and hate
You Are Loved!
Christopher
Tearing Down the Walls…..
As I write this new blog, I am aware that some of the “walls” I have built are going to start falling down. I feel a sense of freedom but at the same time this intimidates me a little, simply because being vulnerable is a scary place to be….I could get hurt. Isn’t that the reason why people build these “walls”?
Some of the walls I have built, have been there from a very young age, and could very well be quite thick in some places. Some I know have gotten higher and deeper. I have walls of offense, walls of fear, walls of shame, and walls of hatred. Sometimes I add blocks to these walls without even realizing it…..well not until God shows me. “You offended me when you said that to me.” I just added a block to my wall. “You don’t make me feel wanted.” Another block added. “I feel sorry for myself.” Another one added. “You hurt me.” Add a block. “You aren’t listening to what I am saying.” “I feel left out.” “No one can know this secret of mine.” “You have hurt me too many times.” “That scares me.” “I can’t forgive that.” “I feel used by you.” “How can I trust you?” “Is that what you call love?” “You call yourself a Christian?” “You only think about yourself.” I could go on…..but do you see how easy it is to build these walls, one block at a time. Unfortunately, it doesn’t take long before a wall is erected, it’s strong, and we feel safe behind it. We think that no one will hurt us again, or disappoint us, or fail us. BUT these walls also make it hard for us to feel love from people, to be real with people, and to accept good things from people……These walls cause us to second guess people, question their motives, and push people away.
When I was 21, this guy, a complete stranger, started talking to me in a coffee shop, I thought I was being friendly enough but didn’t want to give off any wrong impression ……at the end of the conversation he said to me, “wow, you don’t let anybody in!” I thought he was a rude jerk. At the time, I was obviously feeling safe behind my “wall”, and didn’t even realize it was there. He was the one with the problem, not me. Maybe I missed out on a really great conversation, I’ll never know?
Many of my other “walls” have kept me from a lot of different things. Perhaps I could have comforted someone, spoke words of encouragement to them, helped them in a time of need, but I was living behind a wall of fear and shame. I maybe could have had a healthy relationship with ‘that’ person or ‘this’ person, or maybe I could have lived without bitterness and suspicion, but again, I was living behind a wall of unforgiveness and offense.
Today I tried to have a conversation with Chris, but I was behind some of those “walls.” (Walls have a tendency to get strength from each other and fuse with one another, blurring the lines of either offense or fear for example….they all just become one big fortress that is hard to break through) Our conversation got heated. When you’re behind a wall, you have to yell through the bricks! (I am trying to make this a little less intense here, so you can laugh at that)…… With God’s love and strength I was able to break down a few more bricks, and have a healthy conversation with Chris. I needed to be vulnerable and real, explain what I was feeling. We couldn’t just listen to each other but actually hear the heart of the other person.
I love Chris. I have to listen to his heart, and not the distorted words I hear while I am behind my “walls.”
“4Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily. 5It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God’s love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong].
6It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. 7Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening].” 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (Amplified Bible)
So I am going to wrap this up……
Virgil (A classical Roman poet; 70 – 19 B.C.) said it well……..
“Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love.”
I am going to hold up my flag of surrender behind my “walls”, and allow love to conquer and destroy my mighty fortress.
Mari
Don’t Stop Believing
Faith is something that a lot of people will claim to have until they come face to face with a crisis. Trust me I’ve been there….I mean…I am there.
And faith is something that is very hard to hold on to when it comes to losing everything.
Both Marianne and I have had to go through grieving. Grieving much loss.
When all of my “sin issues” became public I lost my job. Not just my job. We were in ministry. In a way we lost our identity. I was asked to leave the church. I literally lost everything…My family, my job, my house and my life. I lost it all. No..this is not a good country song, this was my reality. These were the consequences to my actions. Very painful.
So, over time Marianne and I both had to go through a grieving process after losing our church family. We had to grieve over the loss of our ministry. And I had to grieve over the loss of friends and family who have cut me out of there life. It has been a very painful couple of years. Losing loved ones. Losing people who mattered most. All because of my actions. This has been a hard one to heal over.
You know even though God has forgiven me and He delights in me and loves me unconditionally, I still have to work through my own shame. The shame of my actions. The shame that I have carried because of the judgments of others. Which by the way whoever said “sticks and stone may break my bones, but names will never hurt me” is a liar. They do hurt. Judgment hurts. And words that people say in their anger and judgment hurt. Words are very powerful..it even tells us that in the bible…
The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit – Prov. 18:21
The message versions sums it up best…
Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit—you choose – Prov.18:21
I have many regrets over my actions but I don’t regret that my sins were found out. I needed rescuing. I needed to be saved from myself. My life was spiraling out of control and God pulled me out!
Then you called out to God in your desperate condition; he got you out in the nick of time. He spoke the word that healed you, that pulled you back from the brink of death – It’s time you appreciated God’s deep love. The Message Psalms 107:19-20,43
Ever since “my crisis” both Marianne and I have been tested with our faith. It seems like all along the way of this journey, God keeps asking “Do you trust Me?” God has been rocking our faith…hard. He has been re-forming our character, our heart and our mindset. I have come to realize that I have some trust issues at times. I have functioned a long time out of hurt.
Sometimes it’s hard to see past our circumstance. Sometimes it’s hard to see a way out of it. But God does. He knows the beginning from the end. The hard part is believing that in the midst of crisis.
I am still a work in progress. Actually you should know that I will always be a work in progress. I will never have perfection while I am here on this earth. But that’s ok… we’re all broken people in need of our Saviour! He is good to us!
So in the meantime we keep believing for a miracle. We’re believing for a turn-around in our lives. We’re believing for a breakthrough. We’re believing that God has taken our tragedy and turned it into a beautiful testimony of God’s restorative power and grace. To give others a hope and place of refuge.
No matter the circumstance. He delights in you. You are His.
You are special, You are loved, You are appreciated.
We are His idea. We are His. His face. His hands. His touch. We are Him. Rom. 8:38-39
Breakthrough is coming
Christopher
There’s a log in my eye….
In my last blog I mentioned how….. “I had to put aside my pride, my selfishness, my arrogance, my self-righteousness, and my judgments!” That is a really difficult sentence for me to look at. It is scary exposing my faults and failures. Ones that I would never had admitted, not until recently.
In this blog I am going to focus on judgments……..why? Because it was one of my major struggles.… (shrug my shoulders)…..God told me.
Back in May of 2009, when all of Chris’ “sins and issues” were exposed I was the first to judge and criticize him. Didn’t I have every right too? After all, my sins were hidden and weren’t as ‘big’ as Chris’. Joyce Meyer says it so well…. “Judgment and criticism are fruit of a deeper problem – pride.” So this is what happened, as I started looking to God more, reading self-help books(I will post the titles for those looking for resources), and going to counseling, what I discovered was some “issues” in my own life. It was like God put a mirror right in front of me, you know the kind with the bright lights that show absolutely every flaw? Ya, one of those mirrors….it amplified my own sins and issues. And it was uncomfortable. I had to admit that I was a sinner and needed God’s grace just as much as the next guy. I realized that for years I was completely numb to the fact that I had sins and issues that affected me and others. I can’t even tell you that I knew they were wrong. You see, I could easily justify my judgments of others, after all it was just my ‘opinion’…….Again Joyce Meyer hits the nail on the head with that… “You can ponder your opinion long enough until it becomes a judgment.”
I want you to understand that it wasn’t just sin that I judged for years……no, it was anything and everything. I judged what people would say, if I thought it was wrong. I judged what someone was wearing. I judged people in my classes, someone walking down the street, people on TV, in the pulpit, people who hurt me, people who made decisions I personally wouldn’t have. I judged people I knew and people I didn’t know. It profoundly affected my life and others.
I hurt and disappointed people, family and friends. I have no doubt that I have lost friends too. I know for a fact I missed out on really great relationship with people. I spoke ‘words of death’ over people, and don’t know if that had a negative effect on them. But mostly, I must have broken God’s heart.
One of Mother Theresa’s famous quotes are…. “If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”
Ouch.
I hate being judged. I want to be loved. I feel bad when I am judged. I feel good when I am loved. I am sure this is true for everyone. I want to be able to pour on the love, and not even let a drop of judgment come from my mouth. But I will be honest; it is a struggle…..a daily struggle.
Here’s what I do when I find myself on the verge of judging…….I tell myself……..
I don’t know what their ‘back story’ is. I don’t know the pain they have endured. I don’t know the abuse that they have suffered. I don’t know the poor coping skills they have mastered to survive or feel normal. I don’t know their failures, the shame and guilt they carry. I don’t know the self-condemnation they deal with everyday. I don’t know the amount of love they received or maybe the lack of love they received. I don’t know their feelings of hopelessness, and helplessness. I don’t know the lies that they believe about themselves. I don’t know the criticism and judgments they have heard over and over again. SO…….is my judging going to help? Not in the least. Wouldn’t it be better to love, wouldn’t that do so much more? Wouldn’t that bring a better environment for healing and wholeness? Wouldn’t people feel safer and more comfortable where there is love? Wouldn’t it be a beautiful sight?
I will not focus on the speck in your eye, when I have a log in mine.
Mari
Freedom at a Price
I know many people have questions as to where we are now and what we are doing with life.
My freedom has come at a price…
I mentioned in an earlier blog that I lost everything. This is true to some extent. You see, when I lost my job I had to rent out our house and put all of our stuff in storage. And now we live with family.
Don’t get me wrong, I am absolutely grateful that we have the support of family to help get us through this season in our lives, but at the same time I struggle with shame. Shame for my previous sins. Shame for the hurts that I have caused to many. Shame that as a husband and father I can’t provide for my family…Shame.
I know that God views me differently. He doesn’t shame me. I shame me. And I have carried the shame from the way others have viewed me and the hurtful comments as well. This is something that I am still working through. But God sees me differently. He loves me. In fact He loves me the exact same He loves you. Now that must be frustrating for those that have judgment toward me, but that is the truth. He love us all the same!
3 He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases. 4 He redeems me from death and crowns me with love and tender mercies. 5 He fills my life with good things. 8 The Lord is compassionate and merciful, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love. 9 He will not constantly accuse us, nor remain angry forever. 10 He does not punish us for all our sins; he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve. 13 The Lord is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him Psalm 103
I am not looking for pity. Marianne and I said that we are going to be honest. I am just being honest. These are my daily struggles….
As the saying goes, I have been stuck between a rock and a hard place. I have had issues with finding employment for almost 2 years. The real world doesn’t want to hire someone who has been a pastor and the Christian community doesn’t want to hire someone who has sins exposed. So what do I do? I trust in God right? Right.
. …But this is how I’ve feel some days…
O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever? How long will you look the other way? How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? How long will my enemy have the upper hand? Turn and answer me, O Lord my God! Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die. Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, ‘We have defeated him!’ Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall. Psalm 13:1-4
Are you feeling forgotten by God? Do you find yourself wondering where He is while you are in the midst of battle and struggle and hurt and disappointment? Are you wishing God would do something to help, but not sure your prayers are getting through? I sure feel that way sometimes.
That’s apparently what David was feeling. Alone. Forgotten. Ignored. Weak. Almost defeated. Constantly hassled by his enemies.
But David as he usually did turns his thinking around…
But I trust in your unfailing love.
I will rejoice because you have rescued me.
I will sing to the Lord because he is good to me. Psalm 13:5-6
I have to trust God even though there are many days when I feel like He has left me, even though in the depth of spirit I know it’s not true.
I need to turn my thinking around.. I need to praise Him in the storm
My suffering or my crisis drove me to God’s word. His word is alive and it has brought me far more treasure than any person, any thing that this world has to offer. Without the pain, I would not know what I know. I would not have discovered what I discovered about myself (I will address this another time. Share some of the things that I learned in counseling). I would not have fallen at God’s feet, crying out for saving. I would not be as aware of my own failings and in turn, wanted to restore what is broken.
Try to find a reason to be thankful today. What has God shown you in your pain? – don’t let it go to waste. Use that pain as your testimony as you thank Him for all He has done and for all He is, every day – active and alive in you!!
Nothing can match God’s Love. It’s perfect, genuine, never failing, always there, unbreakable, impenetrable, awe inspiring, comforting, guiding, and saving. Only by God’s undeserved love are we even able to be called His. It’s an everlasting and all powerful love.
God is love.
Christopher
He breathes truth, grace and love!
I don’t often watch Oprah unless something is on that catches my attention, and yesterday was one of those days. If you didn’t catch it, Rosanne Barr was on, along with her sister. Her sister said something that I have been thinking about quite a bit. She said that truth we have all heard I am sure…”Hurt people, hurt people.” But she went farther with it…..she wanted to heal her hurts so that she wouldn’t keep hurting others.
We are all wounded and hurt to some extent. I knew this in theory. But in my ignorance I really thought that I wasn’t one of those “hurt” people. So if you are reading this, and I have hurt you…..I am sorry. I was wounded and hurt and I am still working through it.
As my husband Chris mentioned in his earlier post, one night in May of 2009…..our lives changed forever. So what did I feel in that moment when all of Chris’ issues, and sexual sins came out…….I was stunned, shocked, disillusioned. I felt betrayed, confused, angry and sad. So I packed up all my stuff and the kids stuff and left Chris. Did I know for how long? Was this the end to our marriage? Could I forgive him? I could not answer any of these questions……the only thing I knew…….”I will be strong. I will continue. I will not quit, as hard as it is, I will keep going.” (excerpt from my journal May 2009) I truly believe that my faith in Jesus Christ is what kept me going….what gave me strength. Jesus had a hold of me. Period.
I was led to an amazing Christian Counselor, who I went and saw once a week for 5 months. So I told her everything…through sobs and tears…..I let it all out! I mean everything…..my past, my present circumstance, my fears, my hurts, my wounds! And guess what……I learned things about myself I didn’t really know. I understood the why’s to some of my issues, I realized why I had been carrying around shame with me for so long, and how it had affected me and my marriage. (Chris and I will more than likely get into some of the stuff we learned and “unlearned” in our counseling sessions)
So bottom line……Chris was hurting, I was hurting, he hurt me, I hurt him. Christ forgave me, He forgave Chris, I forgave Chris. Was this easy, absolutely not…..I had to put aside my pride, my selfishness, my arrogance, my self-righteousness, and my judgements! Oh man was that hard…….. but instead I let Christ pour His love, forgiveness, hope, and peace into me and through me.
Ephesians 4: 32 “Instead, be kind to each other, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.”
As my good friend Kate Maurer said to us “Authenticity is crucial for others to find a place to be vulnerable in the kingdom…..I love that you and Mari are offering that to so many hurting couples/people!!!!!! Yay to God for his truth and grace….” This is our desire, to be real and authentic before you all……because it is in those times of being vulnerable that Christ can do His deep, beautiful healing work!!!!
He breathes truth, grace and love!
Mari
The Message of Sozo
So where to start. Let’s back up almost 2 years ago. May 2009. The day of my crisis….
The day started out great! My wife packed up a lunch and we headed to a park with our family. It was a beautiful day. So warm. We had a great time with our kids. Everything seemed perfect. Until later that night our lives would change forever.
That night some “issues” in my life became very public. Some “issues” I was guilty of. Some “issues” that caused so much pain to my wife, my family and friends. These issues the church calls sin. I lied. Flat out, I lied. I also involved myself in some affairs that crossed the boundaries with the covenant I made with my wife. I had made some bad choices and now these bad choices had become public…very public.
Immediately everything was different. You see, I was also a pastor at that time so I had to resign and leave the church. I now lost my job and my credentials. It actually took me a whole week to confess all that I had done. In the meantime Marianne (my wife), was pressured from all sides to leave me and move on. After all, she had every right to. So she left. She packed up our kids stuff and hers and left.
Now I could go on with all the details of what took place over the course of the next couple of years but that would take pages and pages of writing. So stayed tuned for the book coming out later. Ok…maybe not. The next five months were some of the most painful months I have ever experienced and some of the most liberating months. Seems weird? Let me explain…
The painful is the most obvious. Marianne and my 2 children were gone. The house was empty. I lost everything. But you see, God had a much bigger plan. Something I couldn’t see at the time because I was blinded by my circumstance.
While Marianne and I were separated, we had been attending counseling separately. It was amazing and painful and hard work. Even Marianne will tell you how great the counseling was. We discovered things about ourselves (I’m sure somewhere along the way we will discuss this). I discovered many things in my life that wounded me and I never recovered from, but bottled up and tried to control. I discovered so much. And I worked, no, still working to make changes in my life. But all of this came at a price. We had to do this alone.
To make a very long story shorter, God brought restoration to our marriage. We are back together as a family. I am sooo thankful for the amazing friends and family who have been supportive of my restoration and the restoration of our marriage. I am blessed by those who have spoken so much life over me in my darkest hours. And I am always thanking God for all who have encouraged Marianne and I for working through this. But don’t get me wrong, there is still some pain. Pain for my actions. I am reminded of it every day. Pain for the friends who have pulled away and the family that have cut me out of their life.
But this I do know. God loves me. In fact He delights in me…Sin and all. I am a “Hall of Fame” sinner who has been saved by grace. I still screw up and He still loves me. How amazing is that? And now Marianne and I want to share a message of hope, life, love, restoration and worship. That’s why our motto is “Live Love Worship”. We are going to blog about life, the things we have been through and how God has a purpose for each and every one of us. We are going to discuss worship as it is one of our greatest passions and we have all been created to worship. We are going to be honest about “issues”… Cause you see, God is concerned in all of our issues.
Some may judge me and think I have no place to share like this. That’s ok. I have received enough judgment in the past 2 years from many people, but this is something we want to do. We want to bring people hope where they feel hopeless. We want people to see that marriages can be healed with hard work and lots of grace. We want to challenge people to be less judgmental with those who have failed whether inside or outside of the church scene. God is Love. Period.
Today, I am living proof of “the Message of Sozo”. Sozo is a Greek word that means…Saved. Delivered. Healed. Restored. Preserved. I AM SOZO!! God loves me. I love God. God flows through me to love others…it’s that simple. Where there is love..there is healing.
I am a man who has been healed by my Creator. And He is not done. I am nowhere near perfect and I will never claim to be.
So stay tuned…There is much more to come!!
Live Love Worship
Christopher
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