In all honesty…….
It has been almost 6 months since I have written a blog. Chris and I go on every once and a while and it is so encouraging to see people from literally all over the world reading and subscribing to our blog. I hope that it has been helpful for those readers, or if anything just a good read. 😉 The reason I have not written anything in 6 months is simply because I felt like I had nothing to say. We have been battling and trying to push through quite a few obstacles, and haven’t fully grasped this “stay positive” thing and “chin up, it will get better” very well. We have had some very low points……and by that I mean, not having the ability to see past our circumstance, or to stand in an unwavering hope, or rest in a peace that passes understanding. I feel like I have failed so many times in so many areas. So how on earth can I write a blog to encourage those of you out there that read it, when I can’t even talk myself out of this black hole some days?
So I have been a little scared to admit it I suppose, that I don’t have it all together. I don’t have it all together! There I said it……. I worry too much about what people think about me, about my situation, about my choices…….I hate disappointing people, I don’t like to bring other people down, I hate complaining about our situation and circumstances…….SO……I didn’t want to say anything, BUT THEN Chris reminded me that we said we were gonna be honest and talk about the good, the bad, and the ugly.
If you have been following our blog, you will notice that we have been focusing on inner healing, self-awareness, spiritual growth…….. Sharing what God has done in our marriage after a year of separation, and the transformation in our lives together and individually. But I really wanted to share with you that we have finally moved into our own house again, that Chris got an amazing job, and that our health both physically and mentally is in tip top shape. But here is the reality……..which I am sure some of you can relate to all or parts of it. Chris, myself and the kids are still living with Chris’ mom and grandmother (I can’t even begin to tell you how grateful and indebted we are for them allowing us to live with them indefinitely), it is still a struggle for Chris to find work in the city we live in (one of the worst cities in Canada for unemployment right now), so we have no financial stability. Chris’ health was up in the air for the last 4 and a half months, due to melanoma being found on his arm. Finding a spot on his arm, having it removed, finding out that it was cancer, having to go to a cancer specialist, not knowing if it had spread or how deep it went, thankfully finding out it was a contained melanoma, then going in to have the rest removed, only to be told by the surgeon that she has to take out more than she thought originally, going deeper and wider, and sending that off for another biopsy to see if it was all removed. Waiting another week and a half for the results…….which by the way, she called and Chris was given a clean bill of health, they removed all the cancer in his arm, and a nice big chunk of skin as well! 😉 So you can well imagine, the state of our emotions were not solid, but quite the opposite actually. It has been a long three years, an emotional three years, a very hard three years. Many times we questioned God. Why? How long? When? What? Many times I still question God…….(I need that strong unfaltering hope and peace that people like Joyce Meyer or Bill Johnson talk about) I need to “get it” like they do, understand it the way they do, live it the way they do……but if I am honest, I have not mastered that yet. I do have good days…..and I do have bad days. BUT…..THIS IS WHAT I DO KNOW RIGHT NOW………our circumstances and situations haven’t changed, the material stuff “if you will”……. BUT we do have a roof over our heads, we have clothes, we can eat, we do have our health, our children are not lacking anything, we have a vehicle, we have some absolutely amazing friends, we have family that love us, we have never missed a bill payment, we do laugh, we do have fun……..
I am thankful and I am grateful and I am still holding on. God is preparing us for something, I have to believe that this is all for a reason…..God sees the big picture, He sees down the road, He knows what tomorrow holds, He holds my tomorrow. He has a plan, and it is perfect. He sees everything, knows everything. All He wants from me is to trust Him. I can sometimes laugh about something Chris and I have talked about often……..I have known since a very young age, that my life was not going to be normal or typical. Same goes for Chris. We both love an adventure…..we both were not made for the mundane, the normal……..so I would guess God does know what He’s doing! All I can say is, this certainly has been an adventure, and I have learned more than I think I am even aware of. I keep going……I may have a bad day here and there, BUT…..I keep going!!!!
Mari